Archive for the ‘Holiday Rants’ Category


I have been listening to music online as I study for finals when an advertisement for McDonalds’ weird cafe thing that insinuates coffee from McDonalds was equivalent in quality to European imports. No. Stop. Kill yourself. Look, McDonalds ad agency, have you visited a McDonalds? Depending on the McDonalds this is the wonderful location where one can find condoms (are they teaming up with planned parenthood???), urine covered child playgrounds and anything other than stairs.

Furthermore, have you seen the assembly procedures at McDonalds? This “quality” coffee comes out of an industrial machine. I’ll ignore the food problems, if you really want to read about it there’s a book called Fast Food Nation.

So yes, McDonalds, there is something to love at all of your locations.  But it’s not your coffee. It’s not hygiene. It’s not real food. It’s obesity. “There’s something for everyone to love at McDonalds.” and it’s called obesity.


bfdff1e68e0f11e38f3c0ab06fdbedbd_8This should be called “bitch about being single” day.  First of all, I am single. Would I like to have a valentine? Of course I would, just like I would prefer to have a dad on father’s day.  But there are plenty of things you can do to make this a good day instead of bitching and pissing me the fuck off. This is the easiest night to pick up girls at the bar if you’re into that.  You can smell the desperation when you walk in the room.  They want to be with someone that night just as much as you do.  Not that I endorse one night stands, but tonight is the night.

There are sports.  You could read.  You could actually do your job. Or find a job. Or get a promotion. I don’t know your life.  You could draw.  You could write about how much people bitching about being single pisses you off (guess which one I chose).  However, I think the best option is to grab some popcorn and see expectations about Valentine’s Day ruin people’s Valentine’s Day and go “Oh yeah, that’s why I’m single.”  Unless you are like me and find fighting sexy. Why do I find fighting sexy? It is when she is expressing power and most importantly make up sex is fucking fantastic.

Anyways, the point of this is Valentine’s Day is just another day.  If you don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend, then you can just treat it like another day. Hell, even if you have one you can treat it like another day.  Just say hey I don’t like this holiday and explain why you don’t like it. Communication. All holidays are just that: days.  Days made special because someone told you they should be and you chose to listen.  You can opt out of any holiday you find stupid.


Alright, so if you made a resolution, especially a gym one, fuck you and your mother.  Particularly if you plan to go in and act like a dumbass such as this guy: Don’t worry at some point I’ll do gym rants in case you actually take your resolution seriously and don’t quit after ten reps (yes that has happened) or you already attend the gym regularly.  If you do attend a gym regularly, you probably understand why I want to bitchslap these resolutioners across the face with 45 plates.  No, it’s not that I want you to be a fat fuck the rest of your life.  It’s that 99% of the people I saw in the gym yesterday will stop in less than a month or they don’t really know what they’re doing or countless other things.  I am studying for physical therapy with an exercise science minor, so I can criticize.  Want to make a new year’s resolution about the gym? Get a personal trainer and a dietician.  If you still engulf half of McDonald’s for breakfast all the workouts in the world aren’t going to help you.  Getting these things ensure that you won’t end up on the internet for meatheads like me to laugh at and they also make you commit to a long term plan with a cash investment.  I’m too lazy to find stats to support this, but I would bet money that that has a higher success rate than the dumbasses who just show up.

The whole idea of a resolution is stupid.  Why should this be the day that everyone magically changes their lives (for two weeks or less)? Well, if you read my round 1 rant, you know that this is the hangover holiday (see that alliteration? I am so damn good).  Maybe all of this started with a guy trying to deal with God to get rid of his hangover. “God if I (insert resolution here), will you take away this hangover?” By the way, if you’re bettering yourself, you can do it anyday. Not just New Year’s.  That’s way too uplifting to end there so fuck you gym resolutioners. I can’t wait for February when I have 11 months of freedom from you cunt punts (word to Jon Stewart).

Why the fuck is New Year’s a holiday? Much like April 20th is a celebration of potheads getting high even though they do it everyday. This, alongside St. Patrick’s day, is the alcoholic’s holiday. Except, this is hangover day. What the fuck? Why? Seriously, why? I woke up today to see all of the brilliant geniuses on Twitter (that was sarcasm you dumbass) talking about how their heads hurt and they’re little bitches. Don’t get me wrong, I love alcohol. It even made my description on my poetry page. But it’s stupid to celebrate alcoholism.  Alcoholism takes lives and is something you should seek help for.  You won’t hear society telling you that, though. They’ll tell you alcoholism is equivalent to being the fun of the party and is no big deal. Unfortunately, I’m the only one who will tell you that’s complete bullshit. What makes this holiday so stupid is that it celebrates hangovers. Hangovers are the worst fucking part of drinking. It is considered the punishment for enjoying yourself. This is the equivalent to celebrating the broken ankle you obtained during a victory, not the fucking victory.  It’s idiotic.  So good job, you keep celebrating the new year. Just do it quietly without the lights and be sure to have a nap period. Dumbasses.