Sportscenter: Sports or Talk Show?

So this is a disheartening rant to give.  It is almost an eulogy to the Sportscenter I enjoyed.  Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but my goodness does Sportscenter play favorites.  Their most recent victim is Richard Sherman who has been mercilessly vilified for being excited about winning.  He also had to deal with an endless deal of racism which is maddening to me.  They have milked this thing that shouldn’t even be a story for over a week because, let’s be honest, unless there’s a major injury in practice you run out of things to talk about when you focus on one game for two weeks.  It’s absolutely brutal.

So let’s give another example.  I come home from a long day of classes and jobs or wake up before all of that and think “Hm, I wonder who won this game”. So, I turn on Sportscenter thinking that I will actually get highlights.  I get maybe one or two if I’m lucky jammed between Lebron, Tebow, Hernandez, Sherman, and countless other things that make me think talk show.  Maybe they need to separate these things.  Make one show for all their pointless talking that bores me because I like to draw my own conclusions.  Then Sportscenter can be highlights of actual games with some guy yelling “Bartender!” and Stuart pretending his eye isn’t fake.  That’s the Sportscenter I grew up on.

The Always Controversial Philadelphia Fans

Everyone who watches sports seems to have very intense feelings for Philadelphia fans in all sports.  It is rare to find a sports fan who lacks either a very extreme hatred or a very passionate love for these teams.  I am not really sure why we get so much attention and don’t really observe this happening to any other teams.

A classic example is the Eagles (NFL football team for the city).  Everytime they come up, I always have to hear about snowballs and Santa Claus as though it happened yesterday instead of 45 years ago.  Say what you will about us, but in any sport our games are usually sold out or close to sold out regardless of our place in the rankings.  I think such loyalty attracts attention. After all, the only notable loyalty similar to this may only be the Raiders and their black hole fan section.

Anyways, it’s not just football. In hockey, the Flyers are referred to as the Broad St. Bullies, something I take as a compliment but is meant to be insulting (it’s a complex way of saying we’re classless).  Perhaps it is fitting for the tough blue collar city to have such players.  You call it dirty, I call it tough. This rough philosophy seems to resonate with the city. After all, who hasn’t endured some old fashioned fighting with their brother (brotherly love).

Obviously such passion leads to extremes such as unnecessary violence on other fans.  But don’t even TRY to make us sound like the only city who has that issue. It happens everywhere. Seriously go open a new tab right now and search “sports related deaths” on Google (or Bing if you’re a dumbass). Scroll past the Eagles and rugby (that’s a joke… I think) results and you will see plenty of other cities with this problem.   However, our special attention magnifies this and gives the haters more reasons, isolated as they may be, to hate.

Still don’t believe me? Take last Saturday (01-04-2013) for example. After the Eagles’ playoff loss I was mocked by Cowboys (not in the playoffs), Packers (also lost in the first round), Browns (okay seriously what the fuck worry about your draft pick and coach search), and Ravens (not in the playoffs) fans amongst others. For some reason, us losing made their teams better.  That doesn’t make sense.

Ah well, perhaps hockey will be more sensible. Take the Flyers who missed out on the playoffs last year.  Every fan base in the NHL attacked as though it wasn’t only the second time it’s happened in 18 years (not counting this season it’s not over yet) and somehow improved their teams. Still doesn’t make sense.

In baseball- well baseball isn’t quite as spiteful as hockey and football and, to be honest, I’m not big on baseball, basketball or soccer.  I still keep track of our teams, but I admittedly know only the basics of these sports and am not as passionate about these.  This doesn’t stop me from going to some games, as Philly sports are a great environment when you are part of the fan base. If not, then I wouldn’t want to be you. The only redeeming nature of baseball is the Phanatic (our mascot) is the absolute best.

So why do you hate us? Well, you can comment if you disagree with my assessment or want to play story-time with situations when this hatred occurred to us, but I think it’s two very basic reasons: they’re jealous and don’t understand.  Be honest, if you’re from another fan base and your team is towards the bottom of the rankings, are you going to make an effort to go to the games or watch them on TV or will just read the paper and find out tomorrow? Most honest non-Philly fans would choose the latter which is why they simply don’t get it.  They can’t imagine putting so much effort into supporting their losing team.  They may not completely abandon the team, but they will distance themselves.  But they are jealous that we (real fans, which are plentiful) can somehow do this.

We may not be saying nice things, but we never leave.

New Year’s Round 2: Resolutions

Alright, so if you made a resolution, especially a gym one, fuck you and your mother.  Particularly if you plan to go in and act like a dumbass such as this guy: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=456083344498226 Don’t worry at some point I’ll do gym rants in case you actually take your resolution seriously and don’t quit after ten reps (yes that has happened) or you already attend the gym regularly.  If you do attend a gym regularly, you probably understand why I want to bitchslap these resolutioners across the face with 45 plates.  No, it’s not that I want you to be a fat fuck the rest of your life.  It’s that 99% of the people I saw in the gym yesterday will stop in less than a month or they don’t really know what they’re doing or countless other things.  I am studying for physical therapy with an exercise science minor, so I can criticize.  Want to make a new year’s resolution about the gym? Get a personal trainer and a dietician.  If you still engulf half of McDonald’s for breakfast all the workouts in the world aren’t going to help you.  Getting these things ensure that you won’t end up on the internet for meatheads like me to laugh at and they also make you commit to a long term plan with a cash investment.  I’m too lazy to find stats to support this, but I would bet money that that has a higher success rate than the dumbasses who just show up.

The whole idea of a resolution is stupid.  Why should this be the day that everyone magically changes their lives (for two weeks or less)? Well, if you read my round 1 rant, you know that this is the hangover holiday (see that alliteration? I am so damn good).  Maybe all of this started with a guy trying to deal with God to get rid of his hangover. “God if I (insert resolution here), will you take away this hangover?” By the way, if you’re bettering yourself, you can do it anyday. Not just New Year’s.  That’s way too uplifting to end there so fuck you gym resolutioners. I can’t wait for February when I have 11 months of freedom from you cunt punts (word to Jon Stewart).

New Year’s Round 1: Alcohol!

Why the fuck is New Year’s a holiday? Much like April 20th is a celebration of potheads getting high even though they do it everyday. This, alongside St. Patrick’s day, is the alcoholic’s holiday. Except, this is hangover day. What the fuck? Why? Seriously, why? I woke up today to see all of the brilliant geniuses on Twitter (that was sarcasm you dumbass) talking about how their heads hurt and they’re little bitches. Don’t get me wrong, I love alcohol. It even made my description on my poetry page. But it’s stupid to celebrate alcoholism.  Alcoholism takes lives and is something you should seek help for.  You won’t hear society telling you that, though. They’ll tell you alcoholism is equivalent to being the fun of the party and is no big deal. Unfortunately, I’m the only one who will tell you that’s complete bullshit. What makes this holiday so stupid is that it celebrates hangovers. Hangovers are the worst fucking part of drinking. It is considered the punishment for enjoying yourself. This is the equivalent to celebrating the broken ankle you obtained during a victory, not the fucking victory.  It’s idiotic.  So good job, you keep celebrating the new year. Just do it quietly without the lights and be sure to have a nap period. Dumbasses.

ASPCA Commercials

Those are the sad animals commercials. Yeah yeah I know, I’m Satan for making fun of sad puppies.  But think about this: what about all the humans who endure the same treatment? Looking a little less like Satan yet? Since we believe that we are a superior life forms to others (well I don’t but most people do), where are those commercials? Why aren’t people getting up in arms about all that? Where’s the commercial for the teenager who gets shot because he joined a gang just to try and make money to get food? What about the baby whose parent just killed it? These things happen all the time? Yet go unnoticed by everyone until, of course, the news media has run out of ways to scare you.  Now let’s be clear, here.  I’m not hating on people who adopt, support or donate.  Unless you’re an advertising executive or a media worker, I got no beef with you.  I just find it to be ridiculously unfair and unjust to suffering people to give animals all this attention.  This could indicate two things. Option 1 is that animals are equal to humans.  This would mean the ideals applied to them should apply to us as well.  An example of this is the death penalty.  When dogs do bad things like kill a baby, we put down (the animal version of the death sentence).  With this logic, humans who kill babies should face the same fate (my opinion on the death penalty not included).  The other option aka option 2 would indicate animals are more important than humans which we decided was contrary to public opinion.  So in case all of that was too subtle, this pisses me off because it belittles the human lives lost everyday for the same reasons these animals are in danger and nobody me seems to give a fuck about that.  Also, they’re too fucking long.